


The 'Opening'

by nimrod262



Category: Biohazard | Resident Evil (Gameverse)
Genre: Archiving, BSAA, Fluff and Humor, Humour, M/M, Nivanfield, fan fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-17
Updated: 2016-02-17
Packaged: 2018-05-21 07:32:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6043375
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nimrod262/pseuds/nimrod262
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This fluffy one-off short started out as the introduction to an RE Banter Piece for my good friend and fellow writer Theosymphany.  Somehow it outgrew the original piece and became it's own tale.  Theo thinks Chris is 'goofy' sometimes.  This piece seems to confirm that theory!</p>
            </blockquote>





	The 'Opening'

 

It was the day before the BSAA North America's new archive facility was to be opened. Chris and Piers had invited the BSAA's top archivists, codenamed theosymphany and nimrod262, to stay with them at the Deuce of Hearts prior to the opening of the building. Theo and Nimrod were instrumental in the collection and cataloguing of much of the archive material, and subsequently they advised on its storage and accessibility.

Theo usually worked in the Oceania branch in Australia; whilst Nimrod worked in Spain for the European branch. However, they often teamed-up for 'Special Projects'. They have been friends with Chris and Piers for some time now, famously helping them defeat the *Asterisks* when they attacked Nivanland. In their spare time, the two archivists jointly write blogs detailing the adventures of the BSAA's two finest soldiers.

That afternoon, Chris was sat at the writing desk in the Deuce of Hearts. He'd been there since the morning and now he was surrounded by numerous cups of cold coffee. His heavy brow knitted in concentration whilst he chewed thoughtfully on the last remaining inches of a lead pencil. The desk and the floor were strewn with crumpled pieces of paper.

"Do you need some help writing that speech Babe? You've been there all day."

"No, I've got this Ace. Big introduction, pomp and ceremony stuff, then jokes at the end."

"What about the middle?"

"Middle? I need a middle? No one mentioned a middle damnit!" A large paw scrunched up the current work in progress. Another ball of paper hit the floor. Chris muttered darkly under his breath."

With his acute hearing Piers heard every curse. "Ouch, that's gonna' hurt!"

"Well, why ask me to give the speech in the first place?"

"Cos' the archive was your idea Babe. You said we needed a purpose built secure facility housing an organic archive with hard and virtual copies and an on-line dispersed-terminal data-retrieval system."

"I did?"

"Well, you just scraped everything off your desk and shouted _We need somewhere to stuff all this shit,_ but that's what you meant."

"Oh, a good idea then!" Chris looked pleased with himself.

"Well, if you call $10 million to ensure your silence a good idea then sure, it was a good idea."

"Well Ace, I think we should all learn from our past. That's my message"

"Oh God, we're all dead!"

Chris gave Piers a particularly hard stare. "Anyway, I don't need your help Mr Smart-arse. This is a tactical scenario, I only need to keep the enemy engaged for a minute or so and it'll all be over."

"Chris, it's an audience, not a bunch of J'avo. There'll be VIP's, BSAA representatives from around the world, politicians, TV, the press."

"Like I said, the enemy."

Piers rolled his eyes. "OK, don't say I didn't offer. Do you want me to beta it when it's finished? Or give it a quick edit?"

"Beater . . . ?"

"Oh, never mind. I'm going to pick Theo and Nimrod up from Williamsport, they'll be arriving soon. Do you wanna' come?"

"No, I'll stay here, I'll be finished by the time you get back."

"Ha!"

************************

The big day dawned. Chris stood at the lectern facing the VIP audience with the new building behind him. He pulled at his collar, he never liked wearing full uniform at the best of times, and now the blue ribbon from which his Medal of Honour hung was an added encumbrance. It remained a tight fit around his muscular neck. He was flanked on either side by his fellow SOU Captains. He looked at them nervously, Piers gave him an encouraging smile. He coughed once to clear his throat . . . _Right Chris, you can do this. Attack!_

"This building represents a magnificent suppository . . ."

He heard some sniggering, and looked back at Piers for support. His Ace must have had a headache, he was holding his head in his hands. _Stick with the plan Chris,_ he started again.

"This building represents a magnificent suppository . . ."

Now there was a lot of laughter. The Director NAB just sat there with his mouth open. Jill and Samantha Power, America's Ambassador to the UN, were holding on to each other crying. Piers was face-palming. Now Theo had his head in his hands, and Nimrod seemed to be choking.

Chris was surprised, he hadn't got to jokes yet.

"What? What did I say?" he looked down at his pants. "Are my flies open?"

There was another round of guffaws and laughter. Chris was suddenly very angry.

"Listen up people, I'll tell you when the jokes are coming, alright?" He gave the VIPs his best hard stare.

"Now, where was I? Oh yes, this magnificent suppository will cure many of the ills of the BSAA, North America Branch."

There were gales of laughter now, the VIPs were in hysterics, Piers was rolling his eyes, making vigorous throat-cutting motions.

"What damnit? This is serious stuff . . . Oh bollocks! This building is now open!"

************************

In the car going back to the Deuce of Hearts Chris still didn't get it. Piers whispered in his ear.

"I said a what? You let me say that? Three times! To the Ambassador, the Director . . . Oh God, to Jill? She'll never let me live this down, I expect she's telling Claire right now."

"Already done Chris." Piers showed him the video that was now attracting big hits on all the social media.

"I've never been so embarrassed."

"Well, not since the last time Babe."

"When? What do you mean?"

"That time at the Founder's Ball when you got drunk and asked Leon for a dance."

"So? He follows my lead really well."

"Yeh, but then you threw him over your shoulder Fandango style and let go. The next thing everybody was Kung-Fu Fighting and it was Murder on the Dance Floor.

"Well, it was dull up to then."

"Tragedy."

"Yeeaahh!"

"And then there was time you entered one of Claire's boyfriends into a wrestling competition at the County fair. And then entered yourself . . . as his opponent. He was in traction for weeks."

"He looked at her in a funny way, all suggestive."

Piers rolled his hazels.

"That's called love Bearfield, not . . . what did you call it? . . . Lewd behaviour with a maiden. She's your sister, she can handle herself without your help . . . Oh! And let's not forget that time you shot the gorilla at the Zoo."

"I thought it was a Napad."

"It only wanted your banana."

"Sure, that's what they all say kiddo."

From the rear seat of the car Theo and Nimrod spoke out.

"Hey guys, can you both slow down a bit, it's hard getting all this written down here in the back.

************************

Later that evening in the Deuce of Hearts.

"Umm, guys, you know we can hear stuff." said Theo and Nimrod cautiously.

"What stuff?" growled Chris, still not happy at being laughed at earlier.

"Well, like how many R's in Grrrr!?"

"Yeh, and how many O's in Woooof!?"

"You heard?"

"Difficult not to."

"We just wanna' get the spelling right . . ." said Theo.

". . . in our stories, the details are important." explained Nimrod

"Piers, haven't you got anything to say? I'm fighting single handed here."

"Um, three and two respectively, er, well, usually, sometimes there's more. However, I think I may have a suppository that will cure all your ills." Chris gave him an extremely hard stare.

Piers went upstairs and came back down shortly. "Earplugs, never go anywhere without them. Especially in the winter time."

"Why the winter?" said Theo, taking the earplugs Piers handed him.

"And why especially?" said Nimrod, sounding curious.

"Er, it's a bear thing, hibernation, um, lots of snoring . . . you know." said Piers, conspiratorially.

"Harrumph, you are _so_ in trouble now soldier boy." Said Chris, directing another beady-eyed stare at Piers.

He looked at Theo and Nimrod. "Sorry you two, but I will have to discipline _junior_ Captain Nivans for his insubordination this evening. So I'm afraid there may be some more noise. I just hope I can find a suppository big enough."

"Never had a problem before _Senior_ Captain." Piers smirked.

Nimrod and Theo smiled weakly and looked at one another. "Oh dear, sounds like extra O's and R's tonight." they said in unison.

"Well good night guys." said Chris as he and Piers climbed the stairs. "Hope we don't disturb you too much."

Theo and Nimrod looked at Chris blankly, they'd already put their earplugs in.

"I said goodnight guys . . . Oh, never mind! Is there such a thing as silent sex Ace?

"I'm not sure Babe, let's find out shall we?"

"Grrr!"

"Woof!"

 

**Author's Note:**

> Theo and Nimrod have previously appeared with Chris and Piers in my short 'Attack of the Asterisks'. They seem to be gluttons for Nivanfield punishment! You will see Piers is now a Captain, so that dates this tale as post-Chapter 7 in the 'Autumn Leaves' story arc, for those of you (like me) who like trivia. :)


End file.
